his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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