I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
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Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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