i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
