Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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