So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
