The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
