do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
