I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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