I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
