I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
