Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
