pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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