I got chris browned last night
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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