he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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