so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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