it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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