Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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