im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
