I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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