but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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