dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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