I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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