My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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