I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
