you turned your livingroom into a bong?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
