I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
