but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
two words...techno handjob
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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