party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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