I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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