Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
