We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
