somebody snuck up and got me drunk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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