And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I need a beard to bite.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
