my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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