if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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