I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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