A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
