My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
