So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
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He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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