I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize