I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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