you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
