I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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