FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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