he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
