I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
