My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
