I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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