Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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