I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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