I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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