shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
