he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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