so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
